Song of the Week! 10/28

Paramore- Decode

Featured on the Twilight soundtrack! such a great song. You can listen to it here

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So I have gone through a bunch of things lately that have pretty much just me over analyzing things and letting things get the best of me. I haven't been so out of control of my emotions in a very long time. I let so much get to me that was so petty. It bothers me but it's time to move on. I have had a lot of issues for a very long time. Recently a friend actually told me the truth about me. Everything said was so true and I wish someone would have said them to me a long time ago. I am sooo thankful that I finally realize and accept that I need some professional help. I am lucky enough to have an employee assistance program at work that will allow me 3 free sessions. That's at least a start and I'm more than happy to have it. I have yet to get an appointment but I have contacted a lady and hopefully she will call me back. If not, I will either call her back or I have 5 other options. I am scared but at the same time I can't wait to get things rolling. I need change, big time. Once I accept myself I know things will just blossom. I hope sooner rather than later. I'm not broken...just a bit of a mess, very fixable. I just hold myself back from a lot of things for dumb reasons and I think I am so scared of change i'm just screwing myself over. I want what I want and when I don't get it, I fall to pieces. Usually happens when things don't work out with men... it's dumb but it's something I struggle with. I guess I will take the advice of a friend... "my number will come" ... hopefully it's not too far away. I need companionship. I really want to share my life with someone and grow and do so many things. I do everything on my own and it's getting old.

I've been sick, it's not fun at all. Well today was a good day... hung out with my really good friend. Just running errands and watching TV. That's what friends do :) Sunday I saw one of my friends from high school. He's here from California visiting. It was so good to see him and spend time with my friends Katie and Stephanie. Katie and I actually had a really good talk and I think she finally realizes that she can talk to me and I can talk to her as well. I think she needs a friend and I do as well. Things with friends are a bit weird and a little drama but it keeps things interesting I guess. I'm trying to keep things on the down low because I really don't like drama. I have no reason to have drama and it's just lame. They are young tho... so am I but I'm done with bitching about anything and everything. One thing that I have learned recently is to not sweat the small stuff. I've been a little bit of a wuss being sick but ya know... I haven't been sick in a long time and I don't feel good. I feel about 60 % right now actually. Being sick has taken a toll on my body... I have been so lazy and haven't been able to go to the gym as much as I want to. I want to be 100% by Halloween! I have 2 days... :( not enough time. My costume is coming together. I am going to be a gangster moll. Apparently a "moll" is a prostitute... guess I should have looked that up earlier. Oh well! Should be fun times I hope. Usually hanging with my buddies is a great time. I hope no drama. I hope to keep my feelings aside and just have a great time. I wish I could share more holidays with my sister, but things are just different. Friends are different... it's just part of growing up.

I wish I could just spill all of my guts here but it's not possible. I feel as tho it's not that safe.

Lace

song of the week and other stuff

Foo Fighters Let It Die Lyrics

my song of the week! ...hits home unfortunately. Not exactly...but in a way.

We booked our flights and hotel to Denver in December! So exciting. Myself and the boys are going to Denver to go have some fun and see the Denver Broncos play the Buffalo Bills!!! Will be a great game I hope. :) Tough thing about this trip... it's right before Christmas. So hopefully it won't put me in too much of a bind after spoiling my family.

Dream Journal

i may keep a dream journal here...i'm not sure yet if i want it here or not...

so. last night i had an interesting couple of dreams.

first one i remember i was fixing a roof but never could get the pieces to fit and stay then i look down and over and there's a ladder. not sure how i was up there in the first place. someone starts helping me and things come together. i wasn't frustrated in my dream i just remember trying a couple times and being calm. - only insight i see from this dream... help is on the way i just need to be patient? i'll take it.

the next one takes place in a field. it was close to being dusk, windy but i was calm. there were people running around with military guns... no one really acted like i was there. i was just watching. i wasn't afraid, i wasn't sure what i was doing. i saw a girl and she says to me that she is waiting for her helicopter but had broken English. the helicopter was a little different than the usual ...it had bigger blades that were mesh... i remember oranges browns in the sky and they were smeared. - insight on this one, i can only come up with... throughout all the chaos i am calm and that i don't need to get caught up in things. a helicopter represents my ambitions and goals and also means that i am in full pursuit of my goals. ... i decided on Sunday that i would stop living the life I'm living and go somewhere. Hopefully this time it will stick.

next one i remember was really chaotic. i had lost someone's baby...not my own. his name was Stewie. i was running around trying to find him in a jungle like setting. weird... and then i kept telling people to help me find him and no one would help. they jumped into a little pool of water that was deep enough to jump into. they wanted me to but i just kept saying i have to find Stewie... fyi... Stewie is the baby on Family Guy... WTF? lol not sure what to think of this one.