i wish i had something good to say. i just don't know what to do with myself or where to go. sometimes i wonder if the only way to really change things is to move away and start over. would that really make things different or would i just fall into my daily routine again? I don't' know if i want to keep seeing my counselor. Not sure it's really worth it anymore. I can tell myself a million times to think differently and do new things without paying someone to tell me the things i already know. i kind of feel like all i'm doing is picking apart my family and friends. not sure that's the route i want to go. this has probably been the hardest Christmas i've had to ever deal with. i feel like i can't give anyone anything without feeling like i'm going to be broke. i used to have everything together and things haven't changed much, just shortage of funds. i guess i need to be better with my choices. i'm tired of sitting on my bed for hours on end waiting to go to bed every day after work. i like my alone time but not so much i drive myself crazy. i just can't figure out what to do. i feel like i'm losing control of everything in my life. friendships are just weird with some people, money is tight, work is ok but everyday it seems something is changing...some days for the better, some days for the worst. i am having a hard time pushing myself to find a part time job or something to keep me occupied. but then i just wonder if that's my escape plan from my life. why can't i make the best of what i have? why can't i be grateful for everything that i have? i'm trying. i feel like i'm in a boat in the middle of the ocean in a current that is going against me and i keep paddling but i go no where. for the first time in my life i'm scared. i'm tired of asking for help, i'm tired of asking for little things here n there. i feel like all i do is drag people down. i want to find the sunshine that i know is there inside of me. i want to be the person i'm meant to be and the person that people enjoy being around. i wish i knew how to get there. i've always felt i'm different for some reason... yeah i'm a twin but i still feel different. ... so it's amazing how much rent has gone up for a one bed one bath place. may i have my condo back?? i am lucky that i don't pay that much. yet i am barely making it... but then again... i'm not allowed any OT, finances have changed a bit here n there. i guess i'm just waiting for a break? i wonder what i did to have such a lonely life. i'm not a fan of these feelings nor am i a fan of any of this. i wish i could be a happy go lucky person. i try... then something happens and i feel so inferior and sad. i want to be happy for everyone in my life but it just isn't happening. i feel so cold hearted sometimes. things will get better... one day... at least i still have my kitties that make me so happy and they are always there when i need them. love you zoey and louie.
some days i feel i'm a drug addict with out the drugs. i think whit would understand the most. my counselor thinks i need to express myself more creatively. tomorrow... i attempt to make cup cakes. yep... cup cakes. chocolate ones. there's nothing wrong with me, i'm not broken. just need some fine tuning. or maybe a lot. i'm over the whole "finding myself" thing. let's just get there. m'kay? :)
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
dreams.
last night i had 5 dreams that i remember very vividly. i don't remember the order ...don't ask...they are dreams...
#1- this dream was the one that i remember my emotions the most.
it was a dark day and the water was very rough with waves going up and down very fast and i was in a group of people that i did not know. we were all on wave runners and trying to be careful to get through it all. there were a couple of times that some people would fall off and get back on. i was very scared but at the same time it was a rush and it was a weird sort of beautiful... the colors of the waves, mountains, and sky were all gray and a gray blue. as we were going through the rough waves i see two guys get thrown off of their machines. one comes up immediately and the other didn't come up. the water calmed and we were trying to find the other guy and no one could see him or any sign of him. they panicked and said we'll send a diving team for him. i tell them no and start looking for bubbles and the water became clear and i could see a guy in a black and purple wet suit. he starts floating to the top and i grab him and put him on my wave runner and he wakes up and i look over my left shoulder and there's a ray of light coming through the clouds and i had a sense of relief.
#2- i was working out in some weird sunny place and the machine was covered with a blue top and the rest of it was white. i was doing it seemed like a chest press but i was standing up and only doing it with one arm. it was weird. there were two ladies talking behind me and i didn't know if they were waiting for the machine or not. it was just a single machine and i didn't ever see the outside of it. i remember telling myself " i saved 2 people today, this is what i want to do with my life." ...hmmm...
#3- i was walking down a street that was downhill and there were people everywhere and i look back and there's a sidewalk along the buildings and there's a guy walking that had red hair and he was looking at me. it seemed as if we both knew what each other was thinking. it only lasted for a minute and then a truck came down the street and picked him up and he was gone. i remember asking him if he needed help but it was not verbally.
#4- this one is kind of funny. i recently watched the stupid mtv show paris hilton's bff crap... surprise surprise that i dream about it and no i don't want to be her bff. so... i'm walking around it seemed like a mall and it was a sunny summer day. we were trying to find something for this girl's mom and the girl's sister was with us. they were celebrities and i think just portrayed paris and her sis. we were looking for jewelry. money was no object but i figured out that a necklace would be nice and i thought that titanium would be cool. so we find a jewelry case and start looking and tell the guy what we want and he starts making it for us. we decide to go eat and we sit down at a big table because other people were supposed to join us. my menu was like a nice paper and someone had water on the table and it got wet and the pages were stuck. so the server which seemed to know the girls very well and were like their personal servants told me she'd get a new one. the blonde girl says that she'll have the tomato soup and a sandwich and i was like yeah i'll have that too. everyone got in my face and was like... did you know that's $90 ??? i was like...umm... and the girls were like it's cool i'll pay. i started looking at the girl's phones and how high tech they were. then the room changed and the tables were all weird and a guy came in and sat down and got food but he was like put in the corner and people started coming in. .... wtf... i don't know about this one...
#5-took place in a house and i remember a red car with windows down. the house belonged to my co worker?? i don't know which one. something about a clothes rack hanger thing... don't remember much about this one other than going through the house, the red car, windows down and they were up later and it took place at night and then in the morning and it was warm. ... hmm...
#1- this dream was the one that i remember my emotions the most.
it was a dark day and the water was very rough with waves going up and down very fast and i was in a group of people that i did not know. we were all on wave runners and trying to be careful to get through it all. there were a couple of times that some people would fall off and get back on. i was very scared but at the same time it was a rush and it was a weird sort of beautiful... the colors of the waves, mountains, and sky were all gray and a gray blue. as we were going through the rough waves i see two guys get thrown off of their machines. one comes up immediately and the other didn't come up. the water calmed and we were trying to find the other guy and no one could see him or any sign of him. they panicked and said we'll send a diving team for him. i tell them no and start looking for bubbles and the water became clear and i could see a guy in a black and purple wet suit. he starts floating to the top and i grab him and put him on my wave runner and he wakes up and i look over my left shoulder and there's a ray of light coming through the clouds and i had a sense of relief.
#2- i was working out in some weird sunny place and the machine was covered with a blue top and the rest of it was white. i was doing it seemed like a chest press but i was standing up and only doing it with one arm. it was weird. there were two ladies talking behind me and i didn't know if they were waiting for the machine or not. it was just a single machine and i didn't ever see the outside of it. i remember telling myself " i saved 2 people today, this is what i want to do with my life." ...hmmm...
#3- i was walking down a street that was downhill and there were people everywhere and i look back and there's a sidewalk along the buildings and there's a guy walking that had red hair and he was looking at me. it seemed as if we both knew what each other was thinking. it only lasted for a minute and then a truck came down the street and picked him up and he was gone. i remember asking him if he needed help but it was not verbally.
#4- this one is kind of funny. i recently watched the stupid mtv show paris hilton's bff crap... surprise surprise that i dream about it and no i don't want to be her bff. so... i'm walking around it seemed like a mall and it was a sunny summer day. we were trying to find something for this girl's mom and the girl's sister was with us. they were celebrities and i think just portrayed paris and her sis. we were looking for jewelry. money was no object but i figured out that a necklace would be nice and i thought that titanium would be cool. so we find a jewelry case and start looking and tell the guy what we want and he starts making it for us. we decide to go eat and we sit down at a big table because other people were supposed to join us. my menu was like a nice paper and someone had water on the table and it got wet and the pages were stuck. so the server which seemed to know the girls very well and were like their personal servants told me she'd get a new one. the blonde girl says that she'll have the tomato soup and a sandwich and i was like yeah i'll have that too. everyone got in my face and was like... did you know that's $90 ??? i was like...umm... and the girls were like it's cool i'll pay. i started looking at the girl's phones and how high tech they were. then the room changed and the tables were all weird and a guy came in and sat down and got food but he was like put in the corner and people started coming in. .... wtf... i don't know about this one...
#5-took place in a house and i remember a red car with windows down. the house belonged to my co worker?? i don't know which one. something about a clothes rack hanger thing... don't remember much about this one other than going through the house, the red car, windows down and they were up later and it took place at night and then in the morning and it was warm. ... hmm...
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Coldplay!!!
Yesterday turned out to be one of the best days i've had in a very long time. It all started with my adventure with Erin to Market Street Oyster Bar... for some reason she thought it was west and not east .... so we took a little stroll around the west side of salt lake city which was interesting. We then figured out that we needed to go east so we ended up probably walking a mile just to get to the restaurant which was really only 2 blocks east from the car... hilarious. So we relaxed with a bottle of wine, artichoke, spinach and crab dip and Erin had her oysters... i can't knock them til i try them! Which i did not. I then had some crab cakes. :) I loooove crab cakes. We also had a slice of triple chocolate cake. It was delicious! By the time we had drank the bottle of wine we were feeling pretty good. It was a great dinner...a bit expensive but worth every penny. We then proceeded to make our way to the ESA where the concert was. The first band was Sleepercar which made me want to sleep unfortunately but they were alright and we only caught 2 of their songs which was fine by me. They then brought on a DJ which was alright. I know Erin wasn't impressed and was annoyed but i thought it was alright. Then... the show began.
Setlist:
Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
Clocks
In My Place
Speed Of Sound
Cemeteries Of London
Chinese Sleep Chant
42
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face (techno version)
Talk (techno version)
The Hardest Part (Chris - piano instrumental)
Postcards From Far Away (Chris - piano instrumental)
Viva La Vida
Lost!
The Scientist (acoustic)
Death Will Never Conquer (acoustic - Will singing)
Viva La Vida (remix interlude)
------
Politik
Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends
-------
Yellow
The Escapist (outro)
I had a smile on my face from the very first note to the time i walked out of the ESA. Wow it was amazing! The energy was very intense and perfect for every song they played. I love watching musicians play the piano and sing, it just shows how talented they really are. I wish i could have shared this experience with all of my friends because it was a wondeful experience for me that just made me so happy. I loved the feeling of happiness i felt the whole time. I think Erin really enjoyed herself as well. :) Then it was off to Port-O-Call for a couple drinks and chillen for a bit, then homeward bound. A perfect night i must say. (except i forgot my camera.... but i still remember it all!)
Setlist:
Life In Technicolor
Violet Hill
Clocks
In My PlaceSpeed Of Sound
Cemeteries Of London
Chinese Sleep Chant
42
Fix You
Strawberry Swing
God Put A Smile Upon Your Face (techno version)
Talk (techno version)
The Hardest Part (Chris - piano instrumental)
Postcards From Far Away (Chris - piano instrumental)
Viva La Vida
Lost!
The Scientist (acoustic)
Death Will Never Conquer (acoustic - Will singing)
Viva La Vida (remix interlude)
------
Politik
Lovers In Japan
Death And All His Friends
-------
Yellow
The Escapist (outro)
I had a smile on my face from the very first note to the time i walked out of the ESA. Wow it was amazing! The energy was very intense and perfect for every song they played. I love watching musicians play the piano and sing, it just shows how talented they really are. I wish i could have shared this experience with all of my friends because it was a wondeful experience for me that just made me so happy. I loved the feeling of happiness i felt the whole time. I think Erin really enjoyed herself as well. :) Then it was off to Port-O-Call for a couple drinks and chillen for a bit, then homeward bound. A perfect night i must say. (except i forgot my camera.... but i still remember it all!)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Song of the Week! 10/28
Paramore- Decode
Featured on the Twilight soundtrack! such a great song. You can listen to it here
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=11730869
So I have gone through a bunch of things lately that have pretty much just me over analyzing things and letting things get the best of me. I haven't been so out of control of my emotions in a very long time. I let so much get to me that was so petty. It bothers me but it's time to move on. I have had a lot of issues for a very long time. Recently a friend actually told me the truth about me. Everything said was so true and I wish someone would have said them to me a long time ago. I am sooo thankful that I finally realize and accept that I need some professional help. I am lucky enough to have an employee assistance program at work that will allow me 3 free sessions. That's at least a start and I'm more than happy to have it. I have yet to get an appointment but I have contacted a lady and hopefully she will call me back. If not, I will either call her back or I have 5 other options. I am scared but at the same time I can't wait to get things rolling. I need change, big time. Once I accept myself I know things will just blossom. I hope sooner rather than later. I'm not broken...just a bit of a mess, very fixable. I just hold myself back from a lot of things for dumb reasons and I think I am so scared of change i'm just screwing myself over. I want what I want and when I don't get it, I fall to pieces. Usually happens when things don't work out with men... it's dumb but it's something I struggle with. I guess I will take the advice of a friend... "my number will come" ... hopefully it's not too far away. I need companionship. I really want to share my life with someone and grow and do so many things. I do everything on my own and it's getting old.
I've been sick, it's not fun at all. Well today was a good day... hung out with my really good friend. Just running errands and watching TV. That's what friends do :) Sunday I saw one of my friends from high school. He's here from California visiting. It was so good to see him and spend time with my friends Katie and Stephanie. Katie and I actually had a really good talk and I think she finally realizes that she can talk to me and I can talk to her as well. I think she needs a friend and I do as well. Things with friends are a bit weird and a little drama but it keeps things interesting I guess. I'm trying to keep things on the down low because I really don't like drama. I have no reason to have drama and it's just lame. They are young tho... so am I but I'm done with bitching about anything and everything. One thing that I have learned recently is to not sweat the small stuff. I've been a little bit of a wuss being sick but ya know... I haven't been sick in a long time and I don't feel good. I feel about 60 % right now actually. Being sick has taken a toll on my body... I have been so lazy and haven't been able to go to the gym as much as I want to. I want to be 100% by Halloween! I have 2 days... :( not enough time. My costume is coming together. I am going to be a gangster moll. Apparently a "moll" is a prostitute... guess I should have looked that up earlier. Oh well! Should be fun times I hope. Usually hanging with my buddies is a great time. I hope no drama. I hope to keep my feelings aside and just have a great time. I wish I could share more holidays with my sister, but things are just different. Friends are different... it's just part of growing up.
I wish I could just spill all of my guts here but it's not possible. I feel as tho it's not that safe.
Lace
Featured on the Twilight soundtrack! such a great song. You can listen to it here
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=11730869
So I have gone through a bunch of things lately that have pretty much just me over analyzing things and letting things get the best of me. I haven't been so out of control of my emotions in a very long time. I let so much get to me that was so petty. It bothers me but it's time to move on. I have had a lot of issues for a very long time. Recently a friend actually told me the truth about me. Everything said was so true and I wish someone would have said them to me a long time ago. I am sooo thankful that I finally realize and accept that I need some professional help. I am lucky enough to have an employee assistance program at work that will allow me 3 free sessions. That's at least a start and I'm more than happy to have it. I have yet to get an appointment but I have contacted a lady and hopefully she will call me back. If not, I will either call her back or I have 5 other options. I am scared but at the same time I can't wait to get things rolling. I need change, big time. Once I accept myself I know things will just blossom. I hope sooner rather than later. I'm not broken...just a bit of a mess, very fixable. I just hold myself back from a lot of things for dumb reasons and I think I am so scared of change i'm just screwing myself over. I want what I want and when I don't get it, I fall to pieces. Usually happens when things don't work out with men... it's dumb but it's something I struggle with. I guess I will take the advice of a friend... "my number will come" ... hopefully it's not too far away. I need companionship. I really want to share my life with someone and grow and do so many things. I do everything on my own and it's getting old.
I've been sick, it's not fun at all. Well today was a good day... hung out with my really good friend. Just running errands and watching TV. That's what friends do :) Sunday I saw one of my friends from high school. He's here from California visiting. It was so good to see him and spend time with my friends Katie and Stephanie. Katie and I actually had a really good talk and I think she finally realizes that she can talk to me and I can talk to her as well. I think she needs a friend and I do as well. Things with friends are a bit weird and a little drama but it keeps things interesting I guess. I'm trying to keep things on the down low because I really don't like drama. I have no reason to have drama and it's just lame. They are young tho... so am I but I'm done with bitching about anything and everything. One thing that I have learned recently is to not sweat the small stuff. I've been a little bit of a wuss being sick but ya know... I haven't been sick in a long time and I don't feel good. I feel about 60 % right now actually. Being sick has taken a toll on my body... I have been so lazy and haven't been able to go to the gym as much as I want to. I want to be 100% by Halloween! I have 2 days... :( not enough time. My costume is coming together. I am going to be a gangster moll. Apparently a "moll" is a prostitute... guess I should have looked that up earlier. Oh well! Should be fun times I hope. Usually hanging with my buddies is a great time. I hope no drama. I hope to keep my feelings aside and just have a great time. I wish I could share more holidays with my sister, but things are just different. Friends are different... it's just part of growing up.
I wish I could just spill all of my guts here but it's not possible. I feel as tho it's not that safe.
Lace
Friday, October 17, 2008
song of the week and other stuff
my song of the week! ...hits home unfortunately. Not exactly...but in a way.
We booked our flights and hotel to Denver in December! So exciting. Myself and the boys are going to Denver to go have some fun and see the Denver Broncos play the Buffalo Bills!!! Will be a great game I hope. :) Tough thing about this trip... it's right before Christmas. So hopefully it won't put me in too much of a bind after spoiling my family.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Dream Journal
i may keep a dream journal here...i'm not sure yet if i want it here or not...
so. last night i had an interesting couple of dreams.
first one i remember i was fixing a roof but never could get the pieces to fit and stay then i look down and over and there's a ladder. not sure how i was up there in the first place. someone starts helping me and things come together. i wasn't frustrated in my dream i just remember trying a couple times and being calm. - only insight i see from this dream... help is on the way i just need to be patient? i'll take it.
the next one takes place in a field. it was close to being dusk, windy but i was calm. there were people running around with military guns... no one really acted like i was there. i was just watching. i wasn't afraid, i wasn't sure what i was doing. i saw a girl and she says to me that she is waiting for her helicopter but had broken English. the helicopter was a little different than the usual ...it had bigger blades that were mesh... i remember oranges browns in the sky and they were smeared. - insight on this one, i can only come up with... throughout all the chaos i am calm and that i don't need to get caught up in things. a helicopter represents my ambitions and goals and also means that i am in full pursuit of my goals. ... i decided on Sunday that i would stop living the life I'm living and go somewhere. Hopefully this time it will stick.
next one i remember was really chaotic. i had lost someone's baby...not my own. his name was Stewie. i was running around trying to find him in a jungle like setting. weird... and then i kept telling people to help me find him and no one would help. they jumped into a little pool of water that was deep enough to jump into. they wanted me to but i just kept saying i have to find Stewie... fyi... Stewie is the baby on Family Guy... WTF? lol not sure what to think of this one.
so. last night i had an interesting couple of dreams.
first one i remember i was fixing a roof but never could get the pieces to fit and stay then i look down and over and there's a ladder. not sure how i was up there in the first place. someone starts helping me and things come together. i wasn't frustrated in my dream i just remember trying a couple times and being calm. - only insight i see from this dream... help is on the way i just need to be patient? i'll take it.
the next one takes place in a field. it was close to being dusk, windy but i was calm. there were people running around with military guns... no one really acted like i was there. i was just watching. i wasn't afraid, i wasn't sure what i was doing. i saw a girl and she says to me that she is waiting for her helicopter but had broken English. the helicopter was a little different than the usual ...it had bigger blades that were mesh... i remember oranges browns in the sky and they were smeared. - insight on this one, i can only come up with... throughout all the chaos i am calm and that i don't need to get caught up in things. a helicopter represents my ambitions and goals and also means that i am in full pursuit of my goals. ... i decided on Sunday that i would stop living the life I'm living and go somewhere. Hopefully this time it will stick.
next one i remember was really chaotic. i had lost someone's baby...not my own. his name was Stewie. i was running around trying to find him in a jungle like setting. weird... and then i kept telling people to help me find him and no one would help. they jumped into a little pool of water that was deep enough to jump into. they wanted me to but i just kept saying i have to find Stewie... fyi... Stewie is the baby on Family Guy... WTF? lol not sure what to think of this one.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
my hair is even darker! i love it :) a pic or two to be added soon! man o man... how time does fly. it's now like the middle of September... I'm not looking forward to the snow or the cold :( my house is already cold at night it seems since it has been getting colder. i'm going to have to get a space heater for sure.
i'm thinking that in the next year, i want to buy a condo or town home. i'm tired of wasting money on rent! i've rented for like 5 years and that's a lot of money to throw away. if i have to get some sort of a 2nd job i will. it would be a good investment for me i think.
meanwhile... i can't wait for Dexter season 3 to start!
i'm thinking that in the next year, i want to buy a condo or town home. i'm tired of wasting money on rent! i've rented for like 5 years and that's a lot of money to throw away. if i have to get some sort of a 2nd job i will. it would be a good investment for me i think.
meanwhile... i can't wait for Dexter season 3 to start!
Monday, September 1, 2008
A little blurb about me
So i'm 25 now and live in Salt Lake City, Millcreek to be exact. I love SLC so much. I'm still single and seems like i'll be single for the rest of my life but who knows maybe i'll get lucky and meet a great guy. I work for a recycling company as a transportation manager assistant, basically a personal assistant. I like it, don't love it. They treat me pretty well to be honest and I know my work is appreciated. I've been there for about 3 years and a couple months. If anything else came up, I would probably leave... makes me sad to say that but i'm young and need to do what is best for me and take chances. I am still trying to figure out what I want to do in life but will find it eventually. I've thought about moving but not sure if that's really a good move to be honest. I don't have problems that i'm running away from, thank goodness. I just want to move to California and fall into something great. I've always had the feeling that I could find something amazing there that could take me places i've never been. Knowing me I will stay here, my family and friends are here. My sister is married, has a couple of gorgeous step kids. I love them so much and wish I could see them more often. :( I don't have a lot to say. I don't have a crazy single life, or a married life. Sometimes it's boring but it's safe and stable. So... that is that for now.
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