i wish i had something good to say. i just don't know what to do with myself or where to go. sometimes i wonder if the only way to really change things is to move away and start over. would that really make things different or would i just fall into my daily routine again? I don't' know if i want to keep seeing my counselor. Not sure it's really worth it anymore. I can tell myself a million times to think differently and do new things without paying someone to tell me the things i already know. i kind of feel like all i'm doing is picking apart my family and friends. not sure that's the route i want to go. this has probably been the hardest Christmas i've had to ever deal with. i feel like i can't give anyone anything without feeling like i'm going to be broke. i used to have everything together and things haven't changed much, just shortage of funds. i guess i need to be better with my choices. i'm tired of sitting on my bed for hours on end waiting to go to bed every day after work. i like my alone time but not so much i drive myself crazy. i just can't figure out what to do. i feel like i'm losing control of everything in my life. friendships are just weird with some people, money is tight, work is ok but everyday it seems something is changing...some days for the better, some days for the worst. i am having a hard time pushing myself to find a part time job or something to keep me occupied. but then i just wonder if that's my escape plan from my life. why can't i make the best of what i have? why can't i be grateful for everything that i have? i'm trying. i feel like i'm in a boat in the middle of the ocean in a current that is going against me and i keep paddling but i go no where. for the first time in my life i'm scared. i'm tired of asking for help, i'm tired of asking for little things here n there. i feel like all i do is drag people down. i want to find the sunshine that i know is there inside of me. i want to be the person i'm meant to be and the person that people enjoy being around. i wish i knew how to get there. i've always felt i'm different for some reason... yeah i'm a twin but i still feel different. ... so it's amazing how much rent has gone up for a one bed one bath place. may i have my condo back?? i am lucky that i don't pay that much. yet i am barely making it... but then again... i'm not allowed any OT, finances have changed a bit here n there. i guess i'm just waiting for a break? i wonder what i did to have such a lonely life. i'm not a fan of these feelings nor am i a fan of any of this. i wish i could be a happy go lucky person. i try... then something happens and i feel so inferior and sad. i want to be happy for everyone in my life but it just isn't happening. i feel so cold hearted sometimes. things will get better... one day... at least i still have my kitties that make me so happy and they are always there when i need them. love you zoey and louie.
some days i feel i'm a drug addict with out the drugs. i think whit would understand the most. my counselor thinks i need to express myself more creatively. tomorrow... i attempt to make cup cakes. yep... cup cakes. chocolate ones. there's nothing wrong with me, i'm not broken. just need some fine tuning. or maybe a lot. i'm over the whole "finding myself" thing. let's just get there. m'kay? :)
No comments:
Post a Comment